Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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When kids say theyâre boredâŚ
new parent: letâs go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [canât figure out how the mute button works]
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled âitâs snowingâ and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Told my toddler today was Fatherâs Day and she said âyouâre welcomeâ if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Iâm going to start calling it âAuto Carrotâ just so it can see how it feels.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) Iâll take it.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Happy Halloween đ
My dog doesnât even understand what Iâm doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldnât it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybodyâs home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
âcan you send us a writing sample?â no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses đ
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.