I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Spell check is for lasers.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.