There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.