Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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Whisper out to librarians!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything