[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Yup
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress