It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.