Banking tips
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!