If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts