maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
dutch is not a serious language
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.