Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out