Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Just how popey was the pope today?