[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Monday
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.