I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail