Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.