My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You Might Also Like
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Probably my best painting.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
happy friday