They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
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Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.