*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Rt to bother an English speaker
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?