I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
wow he looks just like him
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)