Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times