The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Seems kinda suspicious
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails