AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.