what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
You Might Also Like
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.