Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
✌🏽