Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
A new level of troll.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.