ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.