“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
paddle faster i hear baby shark
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff