[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN