I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark