Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.