Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable