If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do