Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’m putting together a team
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I think my mom just blocked me
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)