If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
We’ve all been there
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore