Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.