{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
How I’d get arrested…
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.