[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]