If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year