There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse