“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size