The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
a god among men
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.