They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Good boy 😂😂
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?