I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
FINE, I WON’T.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!