The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late