SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Poetry is my passion
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: