*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
You Might Also Like
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.