Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Hey i am sexy to you now
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.