Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.