Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking