Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*