someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]